Turn Your Head and Cough.

Today is the annual physical examination day at the fire station.  For about twelve hours, we will have a steady stream of members scratching out their profile paperwork, peeing in cups, and sticking out their tongues to say "Ahhh".  We are fortunate that our department provides this service.  In spite of what some of the grumblers say, screening for existing conditions that may trigger catastrophic events is a valuable asset for our members.  In the past, these physicals have uncovered some health issues for members that could be attended to and treated before they became debilitating problems.  This keeps the members "in the game" and provides a level of comfort that their bodies can stand up to the stresses of firefighting.

Despite your level of healthiness, there is always a cloud of angst as you begin the physical exam process.  You start thinking about what your doctor told you to do during your last visit.  We all know we should eat healthier, exercise more, lose excess weight, and avoid unhealthy activities.  On the morning of the exam, the "fasting" requirement reminds you how habitual eating is.  The anxiousness of the exam suddenly feels like cardiac problems, which raises your blood pressure (no matter how hard you try to stay relaxed). 

If you completed your lifestyle paperwork early (and not the morning of the exam like me) the questions made you think of your aches and pains.  If those thoughts made you act, and you surfed WebMD with your symptoms in mind, you are convinced you have some rare tropical disease that will soon cause your skin to fall off and your intestines to explode!  Then there is the fear that you are getting old, and the technicians are going to notice your gradual decomposition. 

OK, your name is called, and you carry your tube of urine, and your stack of completed bubble forms into the trailer which honestly looks like it is less healthy than you are.  Hearing test, eye test, blood pressure, blood test, lung capacity test (my least favorite), height, weight, EKG, chest x-ray, "Hey doc, you missed a spot!".  Not to worry, you haven't seen the doc yet.  Off to the next room for eyes and ears and mouth and nose...oh, and testicles...first time they have been fondled in awhile. 

Then it comes, the amazing euphoria that follows the words "OK, you are all finished"  I felt better immediately!  I asked the doctor how I did, and my results were impressive.  The brain scan was negative, I passed my urine test (didn't spill a drop), and I aced my hepatitis tests with an A, two B's, and a C. 

Next stop, the bagel joint for a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich and a chocolate milk.  They can yell at me for that next year!