Thursday, January 5, 2012

The "Food Groups"

The other day I had the opportunity to meet and share a meal with someone in the EMS field.  I know exactly what you are thinking.  Generally, I tiptoe cautiously around people in EMS, because I have learned, multiple times, that you can’t spell “problems” without “ems”.  I made the exception for two reasons: She only runs one shift every other week, and she knew exactly what I meant when I voiced my concern about drama in EMS.  This post, however, is not an EMS bashing session. 
We met at a diner that offered a lunch buffet.  “Perfect”, I thought, no need to narrow my choices.  I can sample a little bit of everything, have extras of what I really like, and avoid things I do not care for.  It is a lot like a volunteer fire department.  Thus begins my personification journey for the day…  I think about the membership ranks of the fire departments I have belonged to during my 32- year career.  It has been a virtual smorgasbord of personalities and contributions.  I call them the “food groups”
There are some members that you just can’t get enough of, and are always reliable, like the meatballs, the chicken nuggets, the corn, and the buttered noodles.  You count on them all the time and often go back for seconds.   These are the members of the first food group; the staples, if you will.  They are reliable, consistent and dependable; Always there for you.
Then there are the people that are not always there, but when they are, you know their contributions are going to be good, like potato filling, hot turkey slices, beef tips, or real bacon bits instead of the crunchy artificial ones at the salad bar.  If they are not there, you manage to get by, but miss them anyway.  They are the ingredients that make a good buffet become a great buffet.
The third food group is those that you have never met or tasted.  You may be hesitant to give them a try and become introduced to them.  It depends on just how full your plate is.  These “foods” are a mystery, but like your parents always taught you, “Try it, you may like it”.  Much to your surprise, you actually do like it, and hope it stays on the menu forever and always.  Or maybe not, sometimes the new morsels have a funny taste, and just don’t appeal to your preferences. 
Finally, we have the group of foods that have been on the spread for decades, and you just don’t care for them.  Red beets come to mind, as well as about 90% of the non-protein items on the salad bar.  Like those miniature corns cobs, or the grasses and weeds that you could not identify if the little signs weren’t on the sneeze guard.   You tolerate their existence, because somebody must like them, or they wouldn’t be there! 
I reflect on the people in my station now.  Some I just can’t get enough of even though there are seemingly always there.  Some are always there, and I avoid interacting with them for the self-preservation of my own sanity and calm demeanor.  Some thrill me when they are there, but I sure wish we could see more of them, and others are just too new for me to decide whether they will stay “on the menu” long enough for me to invest a lot of my time in them. 
When you put them all together, you have a full meal.  A little different each time, a little different to each person.  Just don't overstay your welcome ("You here four hour, you go now!")
All this talk is making me hungry, I think I will head to the “hosey” for a snack!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year – 2012


A new beginning, a fresh start, a clean slate, a fresh page; However you view it, it is here.  The most popular topic of discussion this time of the year is New Year resolutions.  Many people vow change in behavior, and use the fresh start as the perfect starting block.  Then the hangover from the celebrations, the sleepiness from staying up late, and the buffet of football on the boob tube lure us into what I call the Mummers’ Trap. 

For those of you not familiar with this 135 year old tradition, JFGI (Just Google it).  You still won’t understand it, but you will appreciate the mind warp experienced by those in Philadelphia area who peel open their bloodshot eyes on 1/1 and get jolted awake by grown men in sequins and feathers spinning and dancing to banjo music.  The confusion causes a trip to the refrigerator, and as you are digging into the clam dip leftovers and washing it down with the last of the champagne punch, you suddenly realize that your resolution to drink less alcohol and eat more healthfully are shot.  Slamming the fridge door and swearing at your failure only causes resolutions number 3 & 4 to go down the drain.  In fact, statistics indicate that 73% of the sworn resolutions are usually broken before everyone in the house is awake.

Here is my solution.  Holidays don’t count.  You get a mulligan on New Years Day to clear your head and refine your list.  In fact, since the holiday is on a Sunday this year, many people get to celebrate the holiday on Monday, January 2, so that day gets a free pass as well.  But no more breaks after that!  So make your lists and give it (another) try on Tuesday morning. 

I won’t preach about personal goals or achievements that may be on your list.  They are personal, as are mine.  In fact, my personal list is extensive.  I have it printed out and hanging in the most effective location based on its content.  Yes, smartasses, it is on my refrigerator, with a copy taped up near the recliner, the TV, my computer, the BowFlex, and the dashboard of my truck (I need visual reminders). 

What I do encourage, is that every emergency service worker pick just ONE thing about their professional behavior to improve that will help promote safety so Everyone Goes Home.  It could be a fitness benchmark, a vow to wear seatbelts every time, to train more, to teach more, to use appropriate PPE on every call, or to ask for assistance before trouble bites.  Even more importantly, SHARE these goals with others, and encourage them to join in your quest for improvement; and help them achieve there goals as well.  We are all in this together.  My success, your success, his success, her success, and their success all help improve OUR success. 

I am thinking of dozens of clichés to type here that would help enhance this message, but resolution number 15 is to limit the number of clichés I use.  It is killing me, but I will make it through at least one day, come Hell or high water!  Fffffudge, I blew it!  But at least I said “fudge”; resolution number 8 is still intact!

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Strong Enough to Ask for Help?


Yesterday, I began writing a post about firefighter “mayday” calls.  Sadly there is a tendency to delay making a “Mayday” call, assuming that a call for assistance is a sign of weakness or failure.  The truth is…sometimes delaying the call for aide is the difference between living and dying.  I suspect I will have more commentary about “Mayday” signaling in the future, but as usual, current events steer my thinking toward another concern. 

I was fortunate enough to be in another state on Friday, while my comrades were dealing with a horrific crash on the main thoroughfare through our first due.  The Tractor Trailer vs. car vs. SUV with fire and entrapment had the expected fatal results, and the lives of the responders will forever be altered.  It was a long, agonizing event that involved 8 hours of activities, including; response, extinguishment, patient care, investigation and clean up.

These are the calls that worry me.  Not the strategy and tactics…we all train to deal with the emergencies we respond to. I worry for the responders who now need to deal with the emotions that will be altering their character for the next hours, days, weeks, or perhaps longer.  Sadly, the machismo developed by people in the emergency services prevents us from understanding the impact of these stressful responses.  Helplessness can erode the soul, witnessed death can haunt the mind, and the sights, sounds and smells of scenes like these can rot your gut.  Sometimes these effects are immediate and sometimes they manifest over time. 

We don’t ever think about calling “Mayday” for our feelings, but truthfully, it is the perfect word.  It comes from the French phrase “m’aidez”, which means “help me”.  As brothers, we need to be aware of the signs of someone needing our help, and reach out to offer that help.  If we are not comfortable with the role of “shoulder to cry on”, we have the duty to report our concerns to a company officer, or trusted friend.  This problem may not be an immediate case of “life or death”, but it certainly has an affect on the quality of life. 

I have personally been involved in Critical Incident Stress Debriefing 4 times.  In all four cases, I swore I did not feel any ill effects from the incident I was exposed to, and refused additional intervention.  Much to my surprise, I found myself telling these stories to a therapist 15 years later, after several personal life-altering events occurred in my life.  I have to wonder what damage was really done by all that grief that I chose to bury deep inside me.  

So, brothers and sisters, when you find yourself exposed to the horrors of your job…speak up.  Seek a sympathetic ear from a trusted colleague, or if you prefer, consider professional help.  Keep an eye and ear open for signs and symptoms of stress in yourself and your peers.  Changes in personality, attentiveness, sleep patterns, mood, and spirit are just a few of the signs that may be present.  Consider these symptoms as a Mayday call, and respond accordingly.  It may not be quite as flashy as a grab by a RIT team, but is every bit heroic!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Best Gifts Come in Small Packages


As I watched my family opening their gifts on Christmas day, it got me thinking about the suspense of the unknown.  Often times, we may have a pretty good idea what is inside the brightly decorated gift boxes.  After all, we all made our lists, shared our wishes, and answered the over-asked question “What do you want for Christmas?”

If that doesn’t work, we immediately call upon our other senses to help us guess what is inside the package.  How big is the box?  How much does it weigh?  Does it rattle or shift?  Who is it from?  Are they generous or stingy?  Why do we have this fascination of finding out what is in the package before unwrapping it? 

Then, as I usually do, I compared that little part of life to the emergency services.  In many ways, we do the same thing every time we are dispatched to a call.  We do a mental reconnaissance, based on the information we get from dispatch.  We consider the words of the dispatcher carefully.  The word “possible” always raises doubt, while “multiple calls received”, or “across from…” raise the pucker factor a notch or two.  We also consider the time of day, the neighborhood, the specific location, and the pitch of the dispatchers’ voice; much like we consider the size and shape of the “gift”.

Occasionally, the info is very clear; as easy as guessing a football that is “shrink-wrapped in foil paper.  Other times, the information is vague, like a shirt box from Grandma.  The truth, however, is that we never really know what we are getting until we arrive at the scene, or “unwrap the gift! 

We can easily make the comparison between the “big one” under the tree and the “big one” we get dispatched to.  But how do we define a “valuable” call?  With gifts, it is not always the dollar amount that makes a gift valuable.  We must consider sentimental value, personal need, sacrifice by the gift-giver, timing, and thoughtfulness when we “value” a gift.  But with emergency calls, things are a bit different. 

Obviously, calls that result in saving a life are the most valuable of all, and we can certainly stick a feather in our hats if we do an exceptional job saving property.  But sometimes, the most rewarding calls are the most innocent ones… like an engagement ring in a shoebox full of packing peanuts. 

One that comes to mind was a “possible structure fire” call I ran on Christmas night.  Dispatch received only one call from the resident, reporting a “pop” and a smell of something hot from the microwave. You kind of knew right away that this was going to be like getting a pair of tube socks from your aunt, but manners dictate that you smile and say thank you either way. As expected, it was quickly determined to be a malfunction in the appliance, and no fire.  The units packed up their gear and cleared the scene, thankful for the “socks”, unaware that there was a diamond to be found in the toe. 

The resident was a sixty-something widow, who lived alone, and was clearly feeling lonely on this holiday evening.  The panic and excitement clearly added to this poor woman’s stress.  As I collected the necessary information for the fire report, I took an extra 15 minutes to listen to her story.  She was frightened, lonely, and sad.  But by giving her my time and attention, I relieved her tension, soothed her anxiety, and had her looking forward to the new microwave she would soon have.  While driving back to the station, I had a warm fuzzy feeling.  I am not sure if this sensation was from giving or receiving.  All I know is that this gift cost me nothing and meant the world to her.

Merry Christmas Margaret! 

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Happy Holidays, Brothers and Sisters


'Twas the night before Christmas, and everything was still.
A night without sirens would sure be a thrill.
The station was quiet, the TV was off,
Just an occasional fart or sniffle or cough.

The night shift was nestled all snug in their beds,
With the CPAP manifold strapped to their heads.
The chief wore his boxers that matched his red cap.
At least it wasn't his jammies with the rear access flap,

When out of the speakers toned up such a clatter,
They sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
The lights flickered on with a blinding white flash,
As they staggered to the engine room in a blurry-eyed dash.

The glow of the lamp near the dalmation’s litter
Lit their sleepy little eyes that sparkled like glitter ,
They were all still too young to be running the calls,
Eight wee little, squeaky little, squirmy fur balls,

The Chief was so cheery, so lively and slick,
He ran to the kennel and grabbed them up quick.
It was time for these puppies to build up their fame,
He scooped up those cuties, and dispatched them by name;

"Now Freckles; now Dotty; now Ashes and Spotty!
On Cinder; on Inky; on Bootsie and Blotty!
Now get in the buggy, it’s time for your first call!
Now bounce along, bounce along, bounce along all!"

As they rounded the corner they widened there eyes,
When they spotted the header, shooting up in the sky,
So up to the house fire the engines they flew,
The ladder, the rescue and the puppy dogs, too.

And then, all the truckies, went up on the roof
The “saw man”, the “axe man” and that squirrelly little goof.
They opened the vent hole, and were headed back down,
When out came the probie, looking just like a clown.

He was dressed in his turnouts, from his head to his foot,
And his gear finally tarnished with ashes and soot;
The wet, grimy hose he had flung on his back,
Means maybe the vets will stop giving him flack

His eyes -- how they twinkled, his dimples -- how merry!
You could tell right away that he just “broke his cherry”!
The puppies looked on, just enjoying the show,
The chief let them out to make some yellow snow;

The bitter cold air made them chatter their teeth,
As the smoke it encircled the block like a wreath;
The crews tired muscles were feeling like jelly,
And they dream about getting some food in their belly.

When out came the neighbors with cookies and milk,
And coffee and cocoa brewed up smooth as silk.
A package of meat snacks made the puppy tails wag,
In just a few minutes they emptied the bag.

So, please, as you celebrate this holiday season,
Give thought to the heroes that are the big reason
That you are alive and your house is intact,
And the crooks are in jail for illegal acts;

So, to all my brothers and sisters who serve,
I extend all the thanks and praise you deserve.
May your pagers stay quiet, and your call load light.
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."


Tuesday, December 20, 2011

You Gotta Be "All In"


There seems to be some people that believe the notion that you can be a “part-time” firefighter.  I am not talking about the volunteer who has two-jobs and a family, and needs to budget his time wisely.  I like that guy.  You know that when he is there, he is there with a purpose.  I am also not referring to the volley that belongs to multiple fire departments and flips his alliance based on where the glory is and where the work is.  I have an entire post about clowns like that.  I am talking about the guy that thinks he can serve as a firefighter part of the time, but “turn it off” when he finds it convenient.  Have I confused you?  Please allow me to explain.

Becoming a firefighter is a commitment.  Whether you are career, or volunteer, when you join the brotherhood of firefighters, you have made a life choice.  On duty or off duty you are always a firefighter.  There is an expectation of behavior that is laid upon every new department member that includes a degree of decorum that extends well beyond the boundaries of the fire station.  Once you are known as a “firefighter”, everything you do will be a reflection on firefighters everywhere.  If you sport a blue whacker light, three scanner antennas and a dozen fireman stickers on your car and you drive like an ass, guess what everyone’s perception of firefighters is.  Act like a slobbering jack-wagon at a bar room in your FD t-shirt, and what would you suppose everyone in the place will think of the fire service?  And my new recent favorite is the knuckleheads who use the internet and their 1st Amendment to spew garbage from their pie hole without any consideration to the embarrassment they are causing to the rest of the “brotherhood”.  They insult brothers (or their brother’s mother), threaten retaliation through violence, or flex their cyber-muscles against the very authority they are too cowardly to confront face-to-face. 

The way I see it, you ALWAYS carry “the banner”.  Often I have heard the excuse, “But I am a volunteer, you can’t make me…(fill in your favorite complaint here)”  Really??  Your volunteer act occurred when you walked into the fire station and joined.  From that point forward, you have enlisted yourself to behave in a manner that fits a rigid expectation of the department you joined. When you get in your car and drive away from the station, the department leadership still considers you to be an ambassador of their organization. But do you respect that honor?

Do you wave at passing vehicles with firefighter plates, or do you check to see what department it is from first, then decide if you are going to salute that brother?  Do you hold doors for strangers while you are sporting your fire company job shirt, because that old lady just might be your Lieutenant’s grandma.  Do you Tweet with dignity and respect, knowing the world is reading, and judging?

This “being a firefighter” is a full-time responsibility.  Thinking it is anything less is simply “irresponsible” 

Sunday, December 18, 2011

All I Want For Christmas


The Christmas holiday is right around the corner.  Along with the joy of the season comes the tension of tragedy that is likely to occur.  Every emergency responder remembers that one call that rots at their gut, not only because of the circumstances, but because the time of the year makes it extraordinarily memorable. 

As a kid, I remember my father’s haunting was a double fatal house fire, while the parents were away and the kids were left in the care of a babysitter.  He never really talked about the emotions that plagued him and his colleagues.  Perhaps he thought I was too young. As the years wore on, and the stories continued, I began to understand the impact that call had on all the people who responded that tragic night.

The EMS veterans certainly have memories of the cardiac arrest call at a holiday dinner party, or the dreadful “unresponsive person” calls on Christmas morning that end up with a call for a coroner.  Surely, every cop remembers taking mommy or daddy away from crying kids during the holiday season, as well.  Bless them all for dealing so closely with the humanity of the holiday.   

One of my first bad memories was a crash with entrapment a week after Christmas.  Imagine my horror when I discovered the girl we were extricating was a friend of mine.  I think of her every year around this time when I hear a crash along that road, or whenever I see one of her friends during the holidays.  We really don’t talk about her any more, and I wonder if they remember her the way I do…battered and struggling for her life.  No matter how hard I try to remember her smiling face and her endless giggle, I can’t shake the image of her on that cold icy highway.

It seems like every year, there is some memorable fire in the days leading up to Christmas; fires that route people from their homes or apartments, destroying gifts, and memories and replacing them with nightmares that will last for decades.  In 32 years, I have seen more scorched Christmas decorations, and burned up Christmas trees than I care to see.  

So PLEASE, everybody, blow out your candles, check those old holiday lights, don’t overload your circuits, watch what you are cooking, be careful with your fireplace ashes, keep your tree watered daily.  Furthermore, celebrate wisely, and don’t drive if you have been drinking.  Keep your head cool, even if you don’t get the gift you wanted from Santa. 

All I want for Christmas is for every law enforcement officer, firefighter, and EMS provider to have a pleasant, quiet holiday.  I am hoping Christmas 2011 is the season that is remembered for having nothing notable happen.  A little snow would be nice, as well.

Friday, December 16, 2011

The Trust Sandwich

In the fire service, no personal quality is quite as important as trust. It is built up from many different ingredients.  As individuals, we all have different taste and much like sandwiches, everyone’s is different.
On the surface, you can easily think of trust as the relationship between you and your partners.  That alone is one of the most important layers of the “trust sandwich” that we need to eat every day.  Trusting that they will have your back if you get in a “jam” helps us develop the level of courage to accomplish the extraordinary tasks we do as firefighters.  We trust the pump operator to get the water to us when we need it.  We trust that the vent team will open up properly to keep the cool air at our tail so we can make an aggressive push to the seat of the fire.  We trust the team mate holding the hydraulic spreader to trigger the device in the correct direction when our extremities are nearby.  We also must trust they won’t do the wrong thing, like opening up a fog pattern in a compartment we occupy, move the ladder we were counting on as our escape route, or light a flare in a gas cloud. 
Another area of trust that is important is the trust we have in our physical capabilities.  Are we as “fresh” as we should be?  Do we fully trust our cardio-vascular system to perform flawlessly under the stress of battle?  Do we have faith that our muscular-skeletal system will endure the brutal challenge of the firefight?  Do we count on our emotional and cognitive levels to remain in balance so we do not put ourselves in jeopardy? 
We also place great trust on our equipment.  We trust our equipment to keep us alive, and failure is not an acceptable option.  A great deal of time is spent assuring that our equipment is “combat ready”, which means it is functioning perfectly, has been maintained and serviced regularly, and we are intimately familiar with the operation of the equipment.  Whether it is a Halligan bar, an SCBA, or a million dollar ladder truck, we trust, or shall I say EXPECT that equipment to function exactly as expected. Much like the meat, if any slice is spoiled, the entire sandwich is ruined
How about our leadership structure?  It is clearly the bread and butter of our process to trust our leaders.  Do we fully trust the judgment of the people who lead us on the fireground?  Better yet, if you are a leader, do your personnel trust you to make the right calls?  I am willing to bet that this is an area of concern in many volunteer, career, AND combination departments.  Stagnant leaders go stale quickly.  Too often we allow personalities to interfere with our perception of capability.  “If I don’t like you, I don’t trust you!”  This is a sad, but true likelihood.  It is human nature.  Many knowledgeable and experienced leaders lose their leadership capability because of the way they treat, and interact with, people.    Some may also be thinking, “If I don’t trust you, I don’t like you”, and it is hard to argue with that logic.  Trust builds relationships… always did, always will.
The most important “cheese” in this trust sandwich comes from the trusting smile of our customers.  The public, our residents and business owners, open their homes and businesses to us at a time of crisis.  They trust us to save lives and property, to protect their belongings, and their history, and their way of life.  Their expectation of trust should never be taken for granted…ever!  Once we lose the trust of the people we serve, we lose our purpose. 
We need to TRUST: each other, ourselves, our equipment, our leaders, and our customers support.  And from now on, I will try to avoid posting to my blog when I am hungry … Trust me!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Melting Pot


The volunteer fire service is the ultimate melting pot of humanity. 

When you hear “melting pot” your first thought is likely thoughts of race or nationality.  Truth is that is just part of what gets melted into the fire service.  Many decades ago, nationalities clustered into neighborhoods, and each neighborhood had their own fire company.  Today, some of these localized departments still have very strong roots based on a single nationality.  A quick look at the roster sheet or a glance at the names on the gear provides quick clues about the nationality make up of the department.

Race lines have also melted over the years.  In what was once a white, Anglo-Saxon dominated “profession”, minority numbers have been increasing steadily.  As ethnic lines blur due to greater tolerance and lower prejudices, black and white are becoming gray and Spanglish is gaining popularity as a second language.

Religious boundaries are virtually non-existent; the most important belief required is in each other.  Individuals may pray, believe, worship, or follow any organized religion, provided those beliefs do not contradict the mission of the department.  Organizationally, departments tend to be somewhat non-denominational.

Sex is also a non-issue in most departments.  While the fire service is still a predominately male industry, more females have been helping boost the manpower (pardon the pun) of local volunteer departments, and in many places have climbed the ranks into leadership rolls.

Age is another area where there are few limits.  Volunteer positions begin at ages as low as 14 years, and some volunteers well past traditional retirement age are still serving actively as firefighters, drivers, officers or as fire police. 

The fire service also blends people from every socio-economic group, from varying levels of education, and from virtually every occupation from student to licensed professional. 

Such a wide range of social profiles may seem like a challenge to an outsider.  However, it is that diversity that helps make an organization like a volunteer fire department operate so well.  The perfect blend of wise, seasoned veterans and fresh young minds and every stage in between keep the membership in a stage of dynamic growth.  The blend of occupations assures a “specialist” in a specific field will have unique place in the organization.  As a chief officer, knowing that I have an electrician, a carpenter, a mechanic, an engineer, a computer technician, a law enforcement officer, and a plumber responding on a call gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.  It is a virtual toolbox of specialists in all shapes, colors, and sizes.  Now if I could just figure out how to mount them all on a pegboard organizer…

Monday, December 12, 2011

Not St. Elmo's Fire, But Close

It was a warm spring night along route 1, and the work shift crew was perched on the picnic bench in front of the station watching the stream of college punks stagger “home” from a night of elbow-titty at the Vous.  It was the highlight of every weekend shift, and one of the best reasons we had the Alarm Unit to run bells calls on the campus; we didn’t want to miss our weekly show.  The steady stream of budding young adults with their pickled brains and overcharged libidos slurred past us toward the dorms as we rated their appearance on a scale from one to ten.  One lad in particular caught our eye.  He was walking alone (although walking may be an exaggeration) and we were convinced he had NO IDEA where he was going to be sleeping in about 20 minutes.  We would likely find out his name when we ran the medic local for the unconscious person laid out in the “M” of flowers in the traffic circle on Campus Drive.

A few minutes after he passed us, he returned, lumbering back toward downtown.  We wondered if he unknowingly spun a 180 or if he was getting a head start on tomorrow’s drunk fest.  Then he started drifting off the sidewalk in our directions…this was going be fun.  We loved taking every advantage of opportunity to taunt these travelers.  There was no way this guy was going to remember any of this anyway.  He struck up a conversation with our Captain, the least tolerant of the local college population:

Hey, are, are, are, are yoos guysh firemen?
            Yeah, you got a problem with that?
Well yous better get on yer firetrucksh, quick, kuz this building back here iz got FAR coming out all over the place.
            Right, pal, how about you move along…
Nooo, doood, im sooo sherious, yous better hurry, cause ders fire and smoke everywhere…

We poked fun at this guy for a while, and finally agreed to humor him with an “investigation”.  The five of us walked up the sidewalk, with this clown leading the way, to check out his hallucination.  The pace quickened a bit when we saw the ominous orange glow reflecting off the trees.

Then as we cleared the back of the station, there it was…14 Fraternity Row, with heavy fire showing from the third floor window!  The sprint back to the apparatus bay seemed like running of the bulls in Pamplona, and as we were donning our gear, the FART van was getting dispatched for the automatic alarm.  Needless to say, we got first water on the fire, and saved NONE for the other units on the box.

We looked for our Good Samaritan to thank him, but he was no where to be found.  We considered thanking him next weekend, but he would likely have no recollection of the event.